Gotcha! Now that that headline snared your attention, well it looks like I “done done it again!” You see, although I’ve been urged to and warned not to tackle the complicated issue of how some women treat other women, it should come as no surprise that the “go for it” crowd won out. So, this time I baited my hook with the following question and cast my line out into the social media “pond” hoping to land another one.
“I noticed that the overwhelming majority of people in this thread lambasting this woman are women. Nary a peep from men. What’s up with that?”
Now it didn’t take long before I reeled in a whopper big enough to make Burger King blush.
But first, here’s what got the “fish” taking my bait. You see, a “controversial” African American judge was recently in the middle of a melee downtown in a major U.S. city. Parts of it were caught on videotape and camcorders. Days later comments in a social media group of which I’m a member went viral, the majority of them slamming the official for her behavior – the cruelest from women.
Now when I reeled in my first catch, “Linda” was on the other line. “Terry, you must be blind if can’t see in the video that this woman was 100% wrong.”
“That potty mouth woman is an embarrassment for all women,” said “Roxanne”
“See how her wig fell off? She’s from the hood and is just ghetto,” offered “Mike,” one of the few men who weighed in.
So as I this write this, the comments continue to roll in, some nice and others advising me to have my IQ tested and eyesight checked.
Humm, when I found myself thinking about my question and the reactions to it, I reached out for opinions to two “Sheilas” and “Paula,” brilliant women whose views I greatly value.
Said one Sheila, “how women sometimes treat other women is an issue of how men and woman are socialized. So what you’re seeing here Terry is not a one off but rather one of how we are conditioned to respond to conflict.”
Replied the other Sheila, “what I found most troubling was how Black district attorney Fani Willis, who is leading the Georgia election interference case against the former president is treated versus the attorney she admitted to having an affair with. While she was excoriated by women for having an affair with a married man, little is said about him. Hey, does it not take two to tango?”
With “Paula” it’s clear that the women against women issue struck simmering raw nerve. “Wow Terry, this is an issue that I have lots of experience with and wounds to show for. I’ve lost count of the petty and vicious things said about me, mainly by Black by women, I’ve worked with over the years. To me it’s a combination of insecurities and outright jealousy.”
After a chin rubbing short pause, it made sense for me to square their views with what others have written on this issue. That led me to a piece and article, “Why Are Some Women Nasty to Other Women?” by Meredith Fuller, author of “Working With B*tches.” Wrote Fuller, there are three main reasons women are nasty to other women:
Because they project their unwanted parts onto the other women — especially their fear, envy, jealousy, suspicion, resentment, rage, anxiety, or lack of self-esteem and confidence.
Because they can get away with it — as a sport, fun, panacea to boredom, or delight in spite.
Because they don’t have the interpersonal skills to recognize or alter their behavior.
This brings me to a column I wrote years ago, Women vs. women – a fractured sisterhood? and, just like my recent “fishing trip, “it ignited a firestorm of comments. I decided to cherry pick it to see if there were any commonalities between reactions then and the recent ones.
From one woman: “Absolutely, there are issues, Terry. I believe some women are the most competitive beings on the planet. They’re competing in so many areas: to be the best boss, the best mother, the best looking, and so on. In some cases, they become the guardian of their coveted spot, and that’s when it can get pretty ugly.”
This from another woman: “Women go after each other about appearance and weight. More than once, I’ve wondered how much I could have achieved if I hadn’t spent so much energy in my younger days (and even today) being totally freaked out because I gained a couple of pounds or got a blemish on my forehead.”
When the publication Quora posed the question, “Why do so many women dislike other women?” the responses were fast, furious, pages long and were overwhelmingly written by women. After wading through pages of comments in search for themes several emerged, chief among them competition for jobs, the attention of men, jealousy of accomplished other women, insecurities and dislike for physically attractive other women.
In the end I waded through all this in search for solutions. What became clear was that in the absence of societal solutions, counseling, etc., the one that makes the most sense is hidden in plain sight….. what we can do as individuals – women and men – to intervene when and where we observe destructive behaviors.
Said this woman: “It’s sad, but it’s prevalent enough to be familiar. All we can do as individual women is refrain from doing it or encouraging others to do it.”
Said another: “A woman who is 100% secure will never have reason to bring down other women.”
Now to those of us on the other side of the gender coin – yes, men – we’re going to have to stop enjoying women versus women conflicts as a spectator sport and intervene. Look, if we’re not part of the solution, then we’re part of the problem!
Okay, until the next time I’ve just put up this sign:
Gone fishing! Terry Howard is an award-winning trainer, writer, and storyteller. He is a contributing writer with the Chattanooga News Chronicle, The American Diversity Report, The Douglas County Sentinel, Blackmarket.com, recipient of the 2019 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Leadership Award, and third place winner of the 2022 Georgia Press Award.